You’ve probably heard the phrase “If they wanted to, they would” when it comes to relationships. It’s a popular saying, often used as a way to simplify love and commitment. But here’s the thing: it oversimplifies the truth.
Because sometimes, it’s not that they didn’t want to.
It’s that they couldn’t.
When someone carries unhealed childhood wounds, their nervous system is wired more for self-protection than for connection. Instead of leaning into love, they may retreat into avoidance, withdrawal, or emotional distance. This is not a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of their survival strategies.
Healing from early experiences of neglect, inconsistency, or rejection takes deep inner work. Without it, even if they do want closeness, their system may sabotage intimacy to keep them “safe.” The painful reality is that wanting you and choosing you are not the same thing.
So, if you’re in the middle of a breakup or heartbreak right now, remember this:
- Their inability to show up wasn’t proof that you were unlovable.
- It was evidence of their capacity limits.
- You cannot love someone into healing — that’s their journey.
Your work now is to turn inward. Notice where you may also have absorbed patterns of settling for “almost love.” Rebuild your self-worth. Learn to choose relationships that are built on safety, reciprocity, and emotional availability.
And if you’re ready to take that next step in your healing journey, reaching out for professional support can make all the difference. A registered therapist, like Emma at The Mind Space Therapy, can provide the safe space and guidance you need to process, rebuild, and move forward.